anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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