they need to just BURY HIM!
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
Randomize
