her voice honestly makes me want to vomit. i have springsteen cranked up all the way.
I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Randomize
