i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
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