im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
Well I don't think you could recreate that hangover if you tried. It was like the perfect storm of hangovers.
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
