You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
Randomize
