My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
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