peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
He bought me ice cream and then I gave him a bj
I think that's fair trade off
I told her we could go facebook official. If she ups the oral.
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
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