I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
So did you grab that log full of poison ivy for the fire and then apparently take a piss on Saturday night too or was that just me?
will we ever learn or are we destined for a life of poison ivy covered balls?
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
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