If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
don't worry, your friend will b fine, they treat virgins nicely around here
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
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