I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
I live in Vegas It shouldn’t be this hard to find a penis looking for a night of no strings attached sex
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