I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
Cassie is wearing a baseball cap. This rebound is going nowhere
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize