i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
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