My liver just broke up with me...
What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
Randomize
