You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
On a scale from 1-10 how fucked up would it be to buy weed with my fafsa money?
It's a study aid
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
Randomize
