I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
I'm on a no morals kick. That'll be 3 girls in 24 hours....ending 2011 with a bang
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
