Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
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