If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
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