i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
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