She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
bruce springsteen sings some of the most romantic songs i've ever heard.
the hells wrong with u
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
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