I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Randomize
