my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
isnt it creepy that our bodies make people
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
Hippo gnu deer
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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