I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
NExt question... Do i wanna sleep under my palm tree
YES.
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
I also witnessed that same parrot perched on the head of a man grinding with a girl.
Interesting. As a girl I don't know how okay I would be with that.
She seemed pretty into it.
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
Randomize
