Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
only you would photoshop your dick
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
