she offered me iced tea and went to go change.then her dad came in the door.i thought i was on how to catch a predator.
ugly people sure do ruin things
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
Randomize
