Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
words of advice: black light parties reveal cum stained clothing.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
Randomize
