I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
Randomize
