Wanna demo a makeout? Check box yes or no. Or maybe. Okay bye.
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
omg my older sister has been googling "how do I know if I've had an orgasm?" and "bj tips". the family laptop is not meant for this...
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
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