Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
yeah we're all naked, and I think we just shaved Chad.
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Randomize
