dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
Well if were past the bullshitting stage yes if not then no I'm not that kind of guy
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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