New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
My bed smells like the plague
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
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