Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
Randomize
