Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
im having a threesome with these popsicles
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
Let's play the game let's see how long Kayla can be sober
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
Randomize
