My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
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