Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
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