so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
I would have dumped her already but between the 4 hr bjs and our shared love of enjoying thirsty Thursday naked while watching basketball I'd say its the best shot at love ill ever have
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
Randomize
