His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
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