I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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