If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
not ubering you a puppy
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
Randomize
