My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
Pornhub is actually a very wholesome website
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
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