hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
By connection do you mean me drunkenly grinding my ass on his lap for an extended period of time? If so, then yes, we had a "connection"
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize
