I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
