Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Randomize
