it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
normally i wouldnt have blown him but he was on dawsons creek.. i love dawsons creek.
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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