An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
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