i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
Randomize
