Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
theyre selling pepper spray in the courtyard. hellooo atl
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
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