under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
it got awkward when the only couple not hooking up was just watching..
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
You can't just leave with hair like that
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
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