I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
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