I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
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