I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
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