It's not real sex if he's just convulsing inside of you.
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
I supernannyed him into submission
Randomize
