i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
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