I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Randomize
