I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
Randomize