sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
I shagged another guy with one ball last night. Are there really that many dudes with one nut in la or am I just a magnet for prostetic testes?
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
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