weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
my advisor is telling us the best way to sneak in alcohol on move in day. I definately picked the right college
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
I always give him head in random places, it's a guessing game for his cock.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
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