I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
Panties = found
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
Randomize