I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
you never un-have a 4some
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
Randomize