I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
