I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
me and ur bf were arguing about whether coke was vegan. i really hope it's vegan
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
Randomize
