I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
It has now been 10 days since we last saw Sebastians penis
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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